Here's a piece we had back in 2003. Our good friend Dolemite, aka The Human Tornado, got in touch after seeing the nonsense going on at MLS HQ. Sadly, Dolemite recently passed away, but we were left with this ode to the league. Sit back, pop a open a tall boy and let the Human Tornado make music to your ears.


DOLEMITE IS HERE AT LAST, TO PUT HIS FOOT UP MLS' ASS
By Dolemite

Sit down son, and let Dolemite drop some knowledge on you about what the shit is going on in MLS. You see, that rat-soup eating honkey mothafucka Don Garber has got to go, so let me and my bitches get up in there and run this shit.

Here's a little rhyme i'm sure you'll enjoy. See, this shit is for real, and they better listen up because it's time for the Mack to take over. And then they'll scurry around like rats when I take out my big pimp stick.

The second Tuesday in the month of November,
Is a day that all the honkeys are gonna remember.
That's the day that I become the first Commisioner Mack
And paint that muthafucking league office black!
Today is the day I announce my commish campaign
And if you run against me you're runnin in vain.
So, Garber and Logan, stand on back and you'll see
I can do what you can't, get games on national fuckin T.V.
My election is guaranteed to win it all and win it quick,
Cause I'm the only candidate that packs a whole lotta dick.
But don't just vote because you think my meat is great
I could take both of these punks in a televised debate!
Garber answers the first question with "I feel your pain"
I rebut "Feel this foot in yo ass like two-ton freight train!
You need to shit-can that bullshit jive and kill all those lies.
Cause you're just a punk and your wife's has cunt flies!"
Then when I was done Logan jumps up to the mic and says
"I'm Doug Logan and I wants to be prez."
I start rappin, "You're Doug Logan and this fact is true,
But I know of a mountain range that's younger than you."
Then the mediator asks, "How do you feel about the Revolution?"
Logan rubs his chin and speaks, "I think there must be solution.
I busted, "What the hell you saying, I happen to care!
Make them my bitch, prostitution is only fair."
Garber looked up and said "I can dig you're point.
I like to have a good whore and light up a fat joint.
I say legalize prostitution or at least give it a try,
Then maybe Dolemite's prices wouldn't be so high!"
"Have you seen my wife?" Logan cried in a fever pitch.
"I have," I replied. "She's a bull-daggin bitch!
I'm here to tell you straight up, she's one nasty chick,
I wouldn't touch her with Garber's wrinkled up dick!"
"Hey now, Doug Logan doesn't like to be mistreated.
In this debate Garber and I may have been defeated,
But we still got some tricks that'll kick your black ass.
Like reviving the shootout and the old jerseys of the Wiz and the Clash!"
I laughed at the old man and pushed him on the floor.
"You fucked it all up back in 1994,
But now you fuckin with Dolemite, commisioner candidate.
And against Dolemite, you and the shootout share the same fate."
"Garber, I don't even need to be bustin on you.
You turned the League into one big SNAFU.
So pack your chump ass up and hit the road,
Cause Dolemite's in town and I'm the muthaload!"
"I'm changin the playoffs and droppin marketing loot,
Cause when my pants fall down you'll know the scoop.
When you see my dick you won't believe your eyes,
Check out Washington's Monument, that's about my size."
"I promise chitlins in every pot and a ho for every trick.
I promise free tickets for guys with over ten inches of dick.
So in November the Pimp Party is the choice that's right.
Be sure to cast your vote for that bad ass, Dolemite!