NAME: unknown ALIASES: Mr. Red, Red Ted, The Commie Bastard NATIONALITY: Irish (allegedly) BELEIVED TO BE RESIDING IN: unknown LAST SEEN: Caracas, Venezuela WEAPON OF CHOICE: Pint glasses WANTED FOR: International Soccer Terrorism waged against rival supporters and beverage companies. Outstanding offences for Driving Under the Influence of alcohol in 5 European countries. 4 overdue books from the London public library.

Photo believed to be of Mr. Red captured by a security camera at a Brussels retirement home that was swindled out of $25,000 and entire supply of applesauce.