Hasta La Pasta, Douchebag

Fire President and General Manager Guppy departs

BRIDGEVIEW, Ill. (April 11, 2008) - Chicago Fire Soccer and President, General Manager, and Fan Antagonist John Guppy agreed to part ways today after Guppy was asked to clean out his desk. The move comes amid the return of controversial website, and longtime John Guppy foe, MTBFTR made it's triumphant return to the information superhighway. The Fire also announced that Andell Sports Group Managing Director Javier Leon will serve as interim President and GM as soon as a priest performs an exorcism in the President's office to remove any residual evilness. The team will begin the search for a new President and GM immediately by holding auditions in conjunction with Univision, "Sueño Presidencial MLS".

Before joining Andell in February 2008, Leon was the Chief Executive Officer of Chivas USA Enterprises in Los Angeles for three years. There he was astonishingly unsuccessful and hopes to bring that same level of incompetence to his new role with the Fire.

"John's professionalism and dedication was always in doubt with the Fire organization for the past four years, I mean c'mon... who are we kidding? The guy was a prick! I believe it is in the team's best interests to go in a new direction, and we will have Mr. Guppy escorted from the premises immediately. We have also alerted security to check his car before leaving, in case he tries to jack something that isn't his " said Fire Overlord Andrew Hauptman.

"We are very focused on raising the level of play on the field, even if this is MLS, as well as building a world-class sports enterprise. I am confident that Javier will do a great job managing the organization on an interim basis, we hope to get interim results in the meantime. Our plan is to begin a comprehensive search for a new president as quickly as possible. We know the city of Chicago will be paralyzed until this search comes to an end, we ask you keep the entire Chicago Fire organization and this great city in your prayers." Hauptman went on to add "Potential candidates should have hands-on experience, be proficient in Power Point and Microsoft Bullshitting Pro 3.0, as well as have a good work ethic and be a people person. Personal hygiene a must, be prepared to bring your own equipment."