EXCLUSIVE: New Energy Drink FC Third Kit

Poor results on the field, lower than expected attendance figures. Things are not good at Energy Drink FC lately. These problems are also compounded by the downturn in the economy, where consumers have become more frugal with their discretionary spending on items like recreational beverages.

Marc De Grandpre was the first victim of "underachieving corporate goals'. Erik Stover was brought in to try and turn fortunes around, but he's finding out how hard it is getting this team out of the shitter.

So what's a club (we use the term club extremely loosely when referring to these clowns) to do when seemingly everything is written in red ink?

Fleece the fans!

Taking a page out of the time honored playbook of the most famous clubs in the world, our Austrian overlords have decided to surprise the fans with a third kit to be launched in the near future. The original idea was for the third shirt to be used only during international competitions. Then word got back to Salzburg that our "club" had not qualified for any of those.

Without a prestigious international cup match to launch the shirt, they came up with the next best thing... Beckham Day At Giants Stadium! Ah yes, all the world's eyes will be on East Rutherford when DB23 comes to town.

So designers set pen to paper trying to design the best third kit. The Austrian Overlords stressed they wanted to incorporate the most advanced technology available.

We now proudly present..... Energy Dink FC's official third jersey, shown here before any other media outlet thanks to our undercover mole in the NYRB organization:



Our fearless mole in East Rutherford risked his life to capture this exclusive photo on his shitty cellphone camera. We apologize for the poor quality. This image was captured while the team ran around in their new "kit" for a training session at Giants Stadium. Our mole tells us a group of men in black suits with thick Bavarian accents were watching from the press boxes. Representatives from Energy Drink EF ZEE. (Austrian contingent) and adidas slapped eachother on the back, marveling at their latest innovation in sport performance apparel. When asked if the heavy trays will hinder the players on the field, one accented gentleman laughed and replied "have you seen them play lately? They barely move anyways! We don't care if they win, we just need more units moved" They then toasted to "new sales opportunities" before heading off in their stretch limos.

How To Deal With An Internet Threat

So this week our comrades at MetroFanatic.com (not to be confused with RedBullFanatics.com) recieved the following email:

mf, (gee,z I wonder what that stands for)

I don't know who you are because you so cowardly did not put your name on the article you wrote in 2006 entitled 'Ten years ago: the rise and fall of Miles Joseph' which happens to be about my brother Miles. I really don't give a shit about your opinions or your obvious lack of soccer knowledge, but I would appreciate the picture removed that you have attached as a link, which has nothing to do with the subject of your article. If the picture is not removed immediately, I will have my lawyer contact you.

The story in question was posted here and originally contained the following picture:

(Blown up so you can get a good look)

Needless to say, when we read the email and saw the word "lawyer" we had a chuckle and then called our own expert legal team for their opinion. Unfortunately, in a blink of an eye the administrator of MF.com buckled under the thought of facing a judge and removed the image. We're sure Lenin is spinning in his grave at this display of backbone limpitude.

Some of our older readers may remember the time when MTBFTR faced a similar threat a few years ago (travel back in time, click on the banner).

So we called on our Legal Eagle one more time, for his expert opinion on this matter.

JC confirmed our suspicions, the threat of legal action is pretty hollow and shouldn't be given much of a second thought.

Thanks JC. We always knew we could count on you.

But we're MTBFTR. We don't just stop there. We've devised a 5 step plan of action that our friends at MetroFanatic should have taken, instead of caving in to some woman's cyber demand.

MTBFTR Step 1.
Send email reply:

Dear Relative of Alleged Professional Soccer Player,

Thanks for your kind inquiry regarding an archived story on our website. We love getting fan mail from our readers.

Either I need to get the latest copy of Rosetta Stone and improve my comprehension of the English language, or your letter is indeed asking us to remove a photograph of a soccer player. We regret to inform you that we can't take the photograph down as it compromises our journalistic integrity, which is first class and of the highest order, of course.

If you would like, please send a photograph of yourself so that we may publish it alongside this email for our readership's amusement.

Sincerely,

MTBFTR

MTBFTR Step 2.
Post image in question again, this time alongside email request to take the image down, taking great care to tag every photograph and highlight all keywords so the wonderful world wide web crawlers index up to every last punctuation mark. Immediate internet posterity.

MTBFTR Step 3.
Create new Google Adwords account. Bid on the following keywords:

Empty Threat
Empty Threats
Losing Lawsuits
Lawsuits Gone Wild
Lawsuits Gone Amok
Threats Run Amok
Telling On You
Telling Mommy
Rogue Threat
Empty Legal Action Threat
Empty Legal Action Threats
Hot Babe Dancing
Hot Dancing Babe
Hot or Not
Smiley Guy
Waynes World
Party Time
Excellent
Miles Joseph

And create the following adgroups:



MTBFTR Step 4.
Create a new profile on Facebook, posing as our blonde beauty from the image, including her wild tales of partying it up with professional athletes in the greater New York City area, including one Miles Joseph!


MTBFTR Step 5.
Get back in touch with the person who emailed and solicit an apology for wasting our valuable time.

Corporate Douche Bags

Friends, it's time for us to all stand together and be proud to be 'Merican. Because, Freedom isn't free, and we need to thank the sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, cousins and third cousins, fighting over seas so we can live free and let freedom ring from sea to shining sea. And no one is more patriotic and grateful for that freedom, than Energy Drink FC. Which is why they want to show their support for the troops by granting you the honor of purchasing tickets for Military personnel, at the special price of "face value". Yes, tickets.

Tickets for Troops

Call us skeptical (that would be a first!) but this seems like it may just be... well, I mean when you look at it... sorta... well... how do you say...corporate greed cloaked in a blanket of sympathy that is as see through as a whore's stockings? Basically, this is a ticket drive. You cough up some cash, some military guy gets to see a crappy MLS game, and the Energy Drink gets to keep all the $. What's next? They're going to piss in a can and tell us it gives us wings?

File this under, "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?"

I only wish this was some kind of joke. When I read this it immediately brought this to mind:


Home Depot Honors Fallen Soldiers With Great Prices On Tools